If you are still trying to keep up with my life via this site, kudos to you. But it is practically abandoned you should know that. I am not absent from the web though. You can check in on my serious blog, which is still fun, or a my fun site I have with Mike G., or Karen and I have a wedding website which can keep you informed that way.

Good-bye forever livejournal.

It's not my vision rating. My eyes are better than that.

I need to never watch 20/20 again. It is all human interest stories which "tug at the heart strings, and cloud the mind". For the second time now I turned on the TV to see a 20/20 report which made me angry. This time it was this church in Kansas. Church is the wrong word... group of people. They demonstrate at different things claiming "God hates fags", or "God hates all of America because of the fags." They say everything bad that happens is directly because of the individuals sin, or other peoples sin. Somehow, they are sinless and are not effected by the sin around them (if a tragedy befell them, it would be evidence of their sin). One of the telling elements of the report was two children who were sufficiently sloganful, but when asked, could not define the word "fag". It is a very evil group, calling itself a church, if it were anything else I could have laughed at their rendition of "God Hates America" to the tune of "God Bless America".

Yeah, I'm a missionary now. A cool one. I jet set and live a sexy life. One of the many perks is a trip to Orlando next week. A sixteen hour drive.

Gerber, my traveling companion, will be my co-pilot (Jesus being our other co-pilot, and also our car insurance). Karen, my lady friend, will also be riding with us, but not driving, she is not good at it.

My mom 'cleaned' the room I've been using. The quotes are because we have a maid service come every two weeks, and all she did was move everything from the desk and dresser top to drawers, with out telling me. I sort of freaked out because I had to leave for an appointment and she wasn't there to tell me where things were hidden. Why in the hell would that desk get cleared? Mom and Dad both have desks covered with shit. And my desk, which was slightly cluttered with stuff I use every time I sit there, had to be cleaned.

I don't want to work from here. This sort of thing seems to happen too much. I will be living in Effingham after the trip to Orlando. I am going to try to make that work for a longer time.

I am lately spending a lot of time alone, this was mentioned before. I read an interesting book (several books, actually) called "unChristian". It talks about the perceptions of non-Christians towards the Church, and how they're mostly correct or at least understandable. Funny thing really, I share most of the same opinions as young non-Christians. I like to think it is because I keep it real. It is more likely I am simply disillusioned with American Christianity (the fact it is distinct from regular Christianity means there is a problem).

Ever read a book by a rabbi? Give it a shot. I have found them to be well thought through. If you are looking for a good place to start, try "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner. You will never read the book of Job the same again (or for the first time).

I read Deathly Hallows this summer, I'm not sure Rowlings did enough in the books to even suggest that Dumbledore was gay. Some say he must have had a relationship with Grindelwald, but that doesn't fit. Grindelwald represented a wizard side of fascism in WWII, Nazis persecuted homosexuals, unless you wish to explain how wizards are more progressive even in there practice of fascism. Her post printing claim of Dumbledores sexuality is a weak attempt at publicity.

A quick mid-post Google search revealed some Nazi-pagan connections... very interesting.

I am speaking of LiveJournal, of course. But literally I am saying hello to Jenni and Hillary, the last bastions of LiveJournaling. I am bored most of the day, most of the time, now that I'm raising support.

In East Moline I have one friend, Justin, and he has his own life now. It's not like high school where we just had one life. I am lonely. That is a reality of circumstance.

I hate support raising for this reason. I am at 35% of giving at this point. That is good, but it will take some time to finish at this rate. More isolation, more loneliness.

Watching "Labyrinth" in no way prepares you for "Pan's Labyrinth". Because I just watched the former on Monday and the latter on Thursday. Correct me if I'm wrong, but David Bowie doesn't kill anybody in the first one. I liked the new one better, which is hard to do. The only movie that has done so is "The Empire Strikes Back".

... or something has clicked.

I'm not sure what it is, but I will try my best to explain what is going on with me.

When I started my job at Vuteq back in July I was working forty hour weeks. I started at 6:30 and got home at out at 3:10. Because of the early hours and the physical nature of my work I was going to be earlier and was sedated for the time between work and sleep. This was the routine for the Fall. Then the hours picked-up. I was getting up earlier and stay later. I was a working dog. I had sometime to hangout with people, but it was sure to me limited and, of course, sitting down.

It is easy to blame the inactivity on the job. It requires my time and energy like nothing else. But lets look beyond July, what was my life like before that. What did I do? Nothing. What was I like? Lethargic. What was I spending myself on? Idleness.

The past several weeks I have noticed an increase in energy and enthusiasm. Really the only thing to have changed is I am full time at Vuteq. I work more hour’s consistently now then before. I have thought to myself I have finally got a system of working and sleeping. This, upon review, is not true. I sleep less then six and a half hours a day, and never all at once. But I feel vigorous. This vigor is separate from and an enigma to the confusion I have been experiencing. Because I approach life holistically, I usually connect spiritual, emotional, mental, and social anxieties with my physical condition.

Case in point, this Friday I was running around like a wild man. I woke up at three in the morning having skipped my nap, having a short night of rest the night before and the night before that. But I was having fun, real fun. Maybe that is all there is to it.

... just some.

Today, I got a call from GCM telling me I am accepted to begin support raising in January. It is exciting. This is what I have been working for for some years now. My classes from 2003 onward were done only because "I couldn't go on staff without a degree". Then I got my degree. Then I applied. Then I got hired by Vuteq. Now I need to call GCM and decline the offer.

The past few months have been hazy at best for me. It is like there are two people in my head, and they take turns thinking for me. Both want to go on staff with GCM, but it is a difference in priority with one to the other. We will call one Relatively Evil Marcus, and the other Normal Marcus.

Evil Marcus wants things to happen fast, he is very impulsive. I think Evil Marcus wanted to move to China last summer, he still sort of does, he thinks about it still. Evil Marcus is scared to leave Vuteq to support raise, and thinks he might be better off finding the highest paying job he can find, no matter where in the world. Global jet-setting is very sexy.

Normal Marcus, the guy I hope is the "real me". Is afraid of going on staff and failing. Not financial failure, but spiritual, mental, and emotional failure. I at least know what these things are. Normal Marcus is happy to work at Vuteq as long as he can be in Cornerstone. Even for him, though, leaving Vuteq and working for the Church is a light at the end of a tunnel.

These days my opinions and plans shift from week to week if not day to day. This is a frightening uncertainty, not being certain what I want and how I want to get it that is. Swinging from "I want to go on staff right now!" to "I want to move to China" to "I want to work at vuteq till I retire" to "I want to go on staff sometime soon" to "I want to be somewhere else, period". These are the voices that make be believe I am going mad. I console myself that I must be sane to see this dichotomy.

So I lack postings. Sorry. This might not fix that problem, if it be a problem at all.

I am, the title suggests, feeling fine. With so many things in the air right now, certainty is a friend long passed on. She is a friend not missed. The application process with GCM is nearly complete, I only need to have a phone interview with the HR person. Then I am either green lit or defered. Well that is if that is what I want to do come January. The one contingency I did not anticipate was that I would decline. Here I a stand now planning to decline.

I once swore to never work the third shift after I was a security guard. It was horrible. I over slept for things happening at nine at night. Silly thing to do really, over sleep like that. But that was in 2004. I am a different person now and I have better life skills, such as going to sleep at a set time (though today's time was some hours ago). Vuteq, where I currently work as a temp, has offered to hire me on third shift. The job is a desirable one, with challenges and pay and all that I need at a workplace. Am I being foolish?

Today I initiated a conversation which I should have been done with six months ago. I don't like to dwell on the past, as it makes me bitter towards people, I excel at it (both the dwelling and bitterness). I am interested to see how my dredging up old things with old friends goes, but I hate to be the one rocking the boat. I like much better to make peace. Maybe this will make a better peace. Maybe, just maybe, it will cause more junk to surface, and half a year from now I will be regreting not finishing the issue now. These things must not be avoided for those reasons. My short years have taught me that much.

I have to work in six hours, I choose to spend them in bed.

-Also, "My Utmost for His Highest" is a fine read. Pick it up.

My cousin Brian just released an album you can buy on-line. You can listen liberally to it at that site as well. Check him out, he's good.

I keep thinking of books I read this summer and failed to mention.

It's Not About the Bike by Lance Armstrong. It is his autobiography up to the year 2000 or so, he was like 28 (a lame age to write an autobiography, if you ask me). It talked about his life before cancer, cancer, and his return to cycling and his first tour victory. It gave me insight to his struggle, inner and outer. The puzzling thing is how he doted over his wife, whom he met in married shortly after recovering, but they've since divorced. The book made it sound like they were perfect. Anywho, it is an inspiring read if you are looking for that sort of thing.

In Hindu philosophy, an avatar, avatara or avatarim (Sanskrit: अवतार, IAST: avatāra), most commonly refers to the incarnation (bodily manifestation) of a higher being (deva), or the Supreme Being (God) onto planet Earth. The Sanskrit word avatāra- literally means "descent" and usually implies a deliberate descent into lower realms of existence for special purposes. The term is used primarily in Hinduism, for incarnations of Vishnu whom many Hindus worship as God. The Dasavatara (see below) are ten particular "great" incarnations of Vishnu.

In Vedanta and non-theistic schools of Vedic thought, an Avatar is merely the supreme perfection of a very human yogi. He is the Purusha or "supreme man" beyond which there is nothing. This Purusha is identified with Brahman and in yogic schools it is the supreme perfection. The prayer "Aham Brahmasmi" or I am "Brahma" or the supreme manifestation is a common prayer of dwijas who are Vedic practitioners of the Gayatri mantra. It is also a common teaching of the Upanishads, which states "thou art that". The Purusha Sukta itself says all of creation are part manifestation of this Purusha All creatures are one-fourth of him, three-fourths eternal life in heaven.Purusha Sukta. The word has also been used by extension to refer to the incarnations of God in other religions, especially by adherents to dharmic traditions when explaining figures from other religions such as Jesus.

I forgot to mention The Art of War by Sun Tzu. I was disappointed with it, maybe a second reading of it will render a better, more satisfying understanding. But the history in the in version I had was very neat.

I also forgot Religions of the World. I read this in order to better understand the eastern religions which The Art of War refers to and abids in. Then I got carried away and read the whole book. You should read about the different religions too.

Now I know I've failed to write about the things I read, so this is going to be a quick over view. I might even forget some books.

Turning Points: A book about the major occurrences in Christianity. It is one of the text books for a grad level Church history class. I enjoyed the book. I found the development of tradition and theology to be not as crooked as some Protestants think it is.

Searching for God Knows What: The second book if Donald Miller's I've read. Actually, I enjoyed it more then Blue Like Jazz. Perhaps you disagree. This book focused on the Fall as a failed relationship with God, and all other relationships in our lives are trying to replace it. The book makes some thoughtful observations.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring: This is a rerun for me. I read this once a few years ago when America had worked itself into a frenzy of LOTR, and I joined then. However, something in the fantasy narrative still captures my imagination. It is said this is the boring book (and movie), because it is the slowest paced, but it is my favorite maybe for that same reason.

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: After reading Fellowship, it was the only logical choice. Still a good read. Still a good time. I wish the movie was broken into two sections as the book is.

Pride and Prejudice: This is a fine book. It is all about women and their endeavors to get a husband. I found this book to be hilarious. Not just because I like making fun of women, but Jane Austine is very clever and selectively makes her characters clever.

Sex and the Soul of a Women: Kate gave me this book to read. It was like the counterpart to Wild at Heart that nobody knows about. It was interesting, made me think of things I had not previously considered.

Christian Culture Survival Guide: A coyly bitter lampoon of the Christian subculture in the American 1980's; so it was a limited sampling. The book was funny. It really was.

The Catcher in the Rye: I read this book in disbelief. I did not know people wrote like this fifty years ago. It blew my mind. Yes, I should have read this in High School, but my senior year I dropped out of the College Preparatory literature and composition class, and took general english. It was for the best, High School english sucks the fun out of books anyway. Anywho, J.D. Salinger writes like Palahnuik, whom I previously supposed to be original.

Becoming a Contagious Christian: It took me several tries, and a few months but I finished this book. That is all i have to say about that.

That might be all of my summer reading, I might remember some book sometime and I will revise this.
Currently Reading: Metaphors We Live By, Cannibals and Kings
Books on Deck: In Cold Blood by Truman Capote, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

...the new deal is this: When I weigh myself as under 220 lbs for seven days in a row I will get a tattoo I have been wanting. When I weigh myself as under 200 for seven days in a row I will get the second tattoo I've been wanting.

The strategy is very simple and is no fad or silver bullet. I will run strenuously, ride my bike strenuously, and walk or cycle when I can avoid driving somewhere. I will also eat smaller portions, eat more vegetables, and cut out fast-food, most other restaurants and sodas.

The final stage is also simple: If I ever start smoking again, I have to tell my parents about the tattoos, oddly though, not the cigarettes. Hopefully the process will be enough to permanently change my life-style.

I liked this and you should too.

Be sure to listen to the whole thing.

In light of Senor Fiesta's inpending interview at Mahomet. I too shall share... In forty minutes I have an interview with CTB, it is a web developement firm. Because of my ISU training I know Java, JavaScropt, and JSP (Java Servlet Page), and I don't know the more popular ASP, and PHP. The good news is they are not so different, and I think I could do this job.

I will tell you all about it later.

I finished two more books this week, and let me tell you they were very different. Now, let me tell you how they were different.

Pornified
This was written by a woman, and suggested by Kate Bazil, so I was ready for a less thoughtful look at Pornography's effect on society. But I was surprised by the content of the book (not explicit, but the research and conclusions), and I should apologize to Kate. The book demonstrates the pervasive role porn plays in relationships, romantic and otherwise. It also shows how porn is destructive in many unforeseen ways.

Notes from a Small Island
Again with Bill Bryson, I know, but I had too see his take on England. This was actually Brysons first book, and it reads much like "A Walk in the Woods". Bryson complains about the city-scape's of England loosing their appearance of rich heritage to modern "eye-sore" buildings. I did learn much of British geography, which I was ignorant of beyond London being on the Thames (pronounced "Times") and Scotland being in the north. Overall, a good read.

I know I said I would read "Becoming a Contagious Christian", but the book has a low content to page ratio, I just can't keep my attention on it. I am resolved to finish it though.